well this sucks.

What's the point in posting daily when nothing interesting happens every day?

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was washing my white t-shirt in a sink at a swimming pool changing room, but the water was so disgusting that my t-shirt became dirty and sewer-water green. I don't know if that's supposed to symbolize something, but if it is I guess my subconscious (sub-conscience?) is trying to tell me that I shouldn't fix something that's a little broken because I'll end up making it worse and then I'll cry (I cried in the dream).

Of course, I have no idea what this thing I'm trying to fix is.

 If you guys still occasionally check my summer to-do list, you'll see that I have crossed "watch all Twilight movies" out. Certainly, I haven't watched Eclipse, but I'm not spending money to watch that movie, even if it looks like it has more action than the last two movies combined. I was going to write a long critique about New Moon, but I just don't feel like it right now; there's something else I want to talk about...that I will say AFTER I tell you guys about how amazing I am with faces.

This is Dakota Fanning, who plays Jane.

The Chinese dude is Jay Chou.

I think that's enough proof...for now.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is that I miss my family in China. And I'm so happy for my friends that they get to go to all these cool places in Asia (well I don't really care about all the cool places) and even get to meet up in Hong Kong under a huge...Buzz Lightyear  http://thesheepinabox.blogspot.com/2010/07/delay-no-more.html, while I'm just here at home waking up at 11 am every day (waking up at 8 am is harder than you think when you have absolutely nothing to do), thinking of what I should do with my pathetic summer.

Because the reality is, I planned to go back after I graduated too. But my mom told me "we have no money because we just bought a house", "I have no time to go back", "we have no money because you need to go to university and if we go to China how are we going to pay for it?", and "I don't even want to go back". That was the worst.

And I'm sorry, but I'm mad at my parents for not saving up for me for university. Aren't they supposed to do that? Don't they have something in the back of their mind going "hey one day your daughter's gonna grow up, graduate from high school, and if you want to get her to university you better start saving up like NOW". I can't do anything about it now, but I'm scared. I love that I was I accepted to McGill University, but I'm scared that one day, my parents won't be able to pay for it. And if and when that happens, I can't blame anyone. All we'll be able to do is figure out a solution.

I guess I could blame myself. Up to now I've had no job experience at all. I looked last summer and this summer, but going job-hunting only twice is not enough to get a job. I envy those kids who have jobs, and I wish I could tell them that although it tires them and the pay is "shit", at least they have a job. It's better than nothing, it really is. I get frustrated when I fill out a job application form and they ask me for previous employers. I've never been lucky enough to just be accepted for a job because the employer was my mom's friend or my dad's friend, so I've never have a previous employer. People have to start somewhere, right? Unfortunately, when managers see that you have absolutely no job experience, they're going to pick the one who has more over the one who has none.  It doesn't matter how much I show I'm a hard-worker; I've never had a job, so all my volunteering doesn't prove anything to them.

I thought I could do something this summer, not spend it sitting at my computer every day for the entire two months like I have been ever since I was little. I thought that if I couldn't go to China, the least I could do is get a job and feel productive, feel like I was helping out. I can't even do that.

I wish I was in China. I miss my family so much. My mom always asks me why I want to go back and when I answer "because I want to see my family", she just laughs at me. My dad replies with "well you don't even have that much nostalgia when you go back because you hardly ever see them." So why don't my parents want to go back? Why did my mom say to me in the car one day that she doesn't even want to go back to see her parents? I'm scared that the next time I go back it'll be to attend a funeral. All my family is in China, including the cousins. I envy people who have cousins here, or people that can just go back whenever they want because they have the time and the money.

Two of my friends are in Asia. Two of them are here. One of them is leaving in about a week, and I'll never see her again until winter break. The other has a job, which means I can't see her often.

I calculated that during school, I see my parents for about 6-7 hours a day. Maybe an hour in the morning to get ready and leave, and when I come back at 4:30 pm, my parents aren't home. I wait until 7, 8, 9 for them to arrive, we eat dinner, and then we're all off doing our things, until my parents sleep at 12 or at the latest, 1.

I'm lonely. I miss you all, and I miss my family.