girls are ugly when they cry

The only girls that look pretty when they cry are ones that aren't really crying, not something worth crying about anyway.

It's one tear, one emotion-filled sigh that starts it off. And then you can't stop. You thought you were okay, that you had it all under control, but really it's just your mind screwing you over. You release great, heaving sobs from the bottom of your chest and you can't breathe. You're hyperventilating. Your lungs can't compete with the emotions you're releasing. It hurts. Everything hurts.

You don't even know why you're crying now. You look ugly as hell. You know you do. Your face is scrunched up, you can't even sit up straight, your eyes are red and puffy and your sniffles are nothing short of disgusting.

You've finally stopped crying. You're still sad, but you're physically exhausted. Really it's your mind that's making everything feel like shit, but for some reason when it comes to love, we automatically affiliate that with the heart.

And it's surprising, that the core of us that pumps our blood and keeps us physically alive can feel so much pain.

Your voice hurts, because even though you've uttered no words at all, emitted only the tiniest of a sob, your conscience knows that you've been screaming to yourself. You know the pain will fade, because you're only hearing a dull roar inside you. But something's gone. You feel empty. Like you've lost it, and you can't get it back when it's standing there right in front of you.

No girl can truly cry without looking ugly. No girl can cry without sounding annoying. It's painful to listen to, isn't it? It's this great catharsis of negativity, of negative emotions, that truly shows us our humanity.

And after you cry, then what? You lull yourself to sleep. You close your eyes and keep the ugliness inside you. And hopefully some day, your Prince Charming will wake you up. Girls are ugly when they cry, but never when they sleep.

flow

time |tīm|
noun
1 the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole

It's funny, isn't it? Time changes everything. Even a minute, which we regard as something so tiny, can ultimately bring you joy or sadness.

Unfortunately, we can't go against time. Try as we might, the only thing we can do is to keep going. It's inevitable. We can't go back, we can't fast forward. We can't pause, or (ironically) press play. Sorry to say, but our life player doesn't cater to our wants.

It's been a while since I've said this, but I'm genuinely happy right now. I might not be happy later, or in a few days, but I am now.

A wise man once told me "just go with the flow". I can't wait for this ride.

such a kid.

I updated my wishlist. :D

check out "running the mile" on the right side, allll the way down.

anatidaephobia

a pervasive, irrational fear that one is being watched by a duck.

everything that's wrong

These two weeks will be one of the few times I will (have?) consciously be(en?) looking for a distraction. Okay, that sentence has way too many grammatical errors.

On second thought, I've decided to write this blog entry in a list form because I don't know how to cleverly link my paragraphs together.

1. I'm looking for a distraction otherwise I'll think too much like I am right now
2. I miss you but you don't even care and you don't read my blog anyway so writing this is stupid
3. I'm sick of the word "busy"
4. I'm tired of people saying they're busy
5. I wish time could stop so people could stop being busy. I know everyone wants that too.
6. I have stomach cramps from the medication I'm taking I think
7. I get headaches from the medication I'm taking
8. I'm scared
9. I'm upset
10. I feel like everything positive is just...gone. And all the negative things are flying at me at once.

I woke up from a nap today. I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to go back to sleep. I didn't want to ever wake up. I felt very depressed, and I didn't know why.

My roommate told me to watch Lost because it has lots of episodes so I won't run out of any episodes and then I'll always have a distraction. Don't tell anyone this, but I love her. :)

I'm also homesick. I've never said it any of my blogs because I've never been homesick at McGill until now.

I even miss your hugs, Yoyo. Your sucky hugs. Don't argue with me, you know it's true.

spending time to make time

I spent this weekend and last week writing up my Japanese culture course notes for the 15% "quiz" tomorrow, doing all my remaining readings for Music History, finished my final project for Theory due on Friday, and last night I had a chamber concert.

I spent all that time trying to get ahead and finishing my work, and now I can proudly say that I've 1. completed one semester of chamber ensemble and 2. have loads of time to ...

Well I was planning to practice violin and keyboard. And I did practice! I actually just got back, but I felt tired so I only practiced for an hour and a half. It's not enough, but I'll be practicing every day this week, so I don't care. It'll be enough.

I went into the keyboard room and completely forgot it wasn't Saturday or Sunday which meant there was an actual class. I opened the door, saw a bunch of people, turned around, and went down the stairs to the basement to get back to my dorm.

So now I have lots of time. It's only 2:50 pm and I'm not planning to sleep until 12 am.

If you haven't noticed, there's no point to this blog. It's only for people who wonder what the heck I do every day since I'm always online or watching House or knitting (well technically I watch House and knit).

I am, however, surprised, excited, and dreading that there's only one week of school left, because that means finals and performances are coming up which means I have to study. Oh and I have almost no money left in my meal plan.

3 more weeks, Toronto! :)

you know you're a music geek when

you spend 20 minutes "ooh"-ing and "ahh"-ing and generally sighing "so pretty" at

violin cases and bows.

you are so beautiful.

next thing - we're touching

Dear Readers,

Hi. How are you these days?

I am in need of a hobby. Since a week ago when I began watching (and am almost finished) Pushing Daisies, I've had this craving to start knitting again. Not that I ever produced anything when I stopped knitting a few years ago, but still. The crave is present.

Thus stated, I'm hoping you could help me find a good, informative knitting site that teaches beginners or people like myself who have completely forgotten how to knit. Videos on the site are much appreciated. And if it looks colourful and pretty you get brownie points. Or maybe you'd like scone points instead.

Thank you for helping,

A wannabe knitter

Thanksgiving

I took this post off a while ago, but I'm putting it back up. Sorry!

I'm currently blogging from my room in my house in Toronto. I came back for Thanksgiving weekend, but ironically, I don't get to spend the actual Thanksgiving day with my family because I'm leaving at 9:30 am tomorrow for an 11:30 train departure. It sucks, but I still am thankful, for more than just being able to see them.

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Some people argue that we should be thankful every day of our lives, because we shouldn't take anything for granted. We should be thankful, but sometimes we're just busy, too busy to take the time to think about how lucky we are to have what we have, even if it's not a lot. We have something, and we should cherish it. So, this is what I'm thankful for. It's something I acknowledge every day of my life right now, but I haven't had the official chance to say it:

I'm thankful for the time and effort you put into loving me. I'm thankful that you love me, because ***. Thank you.

Hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with people that you love :)

the notebook

I just finished watching it. I lasted until the last few scenes. Then I bawled my eyes out.

Thank goodness I never watched that when it was in theaters.