when I saw this:
except Jess already posted it before me. BAH.
10.31.2010
I love looking at lattes
Okay so my face was literally like
when I saw this:
except Jess already posted it before me. BAH.
when I saw this:
except Jess already posted it before me. BAH.
10.28.2010
you taste like love, baby
I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing
10.27.2010
thinking about how to be Japanese in Montreal
Today, Montreal has gorgeous fall weather. Too bad my memory card doesn't fit my computer slot so I can't show pictures. :(
On another note, I have a Japanese culture quiz in half an hour and I will surely fail it. :(
On another note, I have a Japanese culture quiz in half an hour and I will surely fail it. :(
10.26.2010
addicted
I'm getting distracted by the absence of a distraction.
Which, in reality, is worse than just being distracted.
I want to rest my head on my desk and wait, but I'm not patient enough even for that. It's frustrating. It really is.
Which, in reality, is worse than just being distracted.
I want to rest my head on my desk and wait, but I'm not patient enough even for that. It's frustrating. It really is.
10.25.2010
who are you to me?
Surprisingly, this is what urbandictionary.com says:
6. A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.
A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.
A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.
A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.
A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.
A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower.
For the most part of my life I believed a friend was only half of what the above definition suggests. I thought a friend was someone who you hung out with after school, and who you talked with about boys. I thought a friend was someone who you could call to help out with homework, even though they were just about to eat dinner (okay I'm lying, I was the one who got called often).
When I transitioned into high school, I kept that notion of "friendship" with me, until grade 10. I can't even remember why, but I was really upset in that year. I remember my "friends" calling me "emo". I wouldn't be surprised if I was just known as the "emo girl" to a lot of my peers. I don't remember why I was always so depressed, why I had so many mood swings, but I remember all the ridiculous drama that happened that year.
For the first time ever, I was called "bitch" to my face (well not exactly, it was through chat). I always regarded that word as a horrible insult to girls (I reserve "bastard" for guys). So when a person I knew, who I called my "friend" said that to me, I felt crappy. And I learned that other "friends" of mine thought I was a bitch too, but they never had the courage to say it to my face.
That was when my own definition of the word "friend" started to change. It developed into something that most people would call a "close" or even "best" friend. I began analyzing the actions of my friends; the things they did for me, how we talked, what we talked about. Because friends are there for you even if they don't have a clue how to help you. And even if they can't help you (because that's just how messed up your situation is), they want to help you, so they listen. Having the patience and consideration to listen is something that I respect immensely.
Then grade 11 and grade 12 happened. Although I stopped being constantly upset, there was an issue that developed that was even more just...ridiculous. It's the best word I can come up with now. Maybe stupid fits better.
I'm not even sure what to call it. Harassment? Insults? Bullying? Just downright ugliness? Anyway, it was two years of arguing with my ex because he was being a jerk. He still is a jerk to me. I'm not going to go into the details of how we broke up, because although it might explain why he treated me as poorly as he did, it doesn't really. What happened between us was strangely mutual, so it came as a shock to me why he started to constantly insult me in front of our group of friends.
Nevertheless, this went on for two years, and I was sick of it. What really hurt was that nobody cared enough. These fights were going on right in front of our friends' faces and the only thing that came out of it was me being upset, and them continuing to talk to him as if he didn't just tell me to go to the music room and eat my lunch there because nobody likes me.
Everything he did was childish. And yet, there was a nagging thought in me that always wondered "why do people still talk to him?"
He never treated anyone else the way he treated me. Yes, I was special. I was so special that he felt it was right to insult me, put me down, joke about things that clearly hurt me. Our mutual friends still talked to him because it wasn't them he was harassing. It was me. And when it really comes down to it, if you don't care enough about someone when they're hurt, the only thing you feel when you see them being hurt, is relief. Relief that you're not the one being attacked.
I hated those two years of my life. Now that I think about it, I was a target for someone who hadn't quite matured yet and acted stupidly in order to amuse himself. I let myself be that target, and that may be the saddest fact of it all. However, the good thing that came out of it, the only reason why I should ever want to thank the jerk, is that through the two remaining years of my high school life, I learned who my true friends were.
That's not to say I don't give a crap about the people who I don't label as my friends. To me, they're acquaintances. We can talk and laugh about mundane and trivial things, but it doesn't mean much to me. I know that at the end of the day, they won't be thinking about me, nor I them.
Sharing a mutual bond with someone is hard to come by. A lot of friendships aren't balanced. People get hurt because one expects the same from the other, based on the assumption that they share a mutual feeling of friendship. Sometimes that bond takes a long time to develop. For most of my friendships now, it took 1-4 years to develop and to be strong enough that I could say "you are my friend".
I don't want to say I'm mature, because that'll give reason for people to expect me from now on to be "mature" in everything I do. But I can, and will, say that I'm mature enough to see who my true friends are.
You don't always have to be there for me. Sometimes you just can't be. But there's a difference between wanting to be there for me, and just not giving a crap. Friends stick together, even if they're 500 km apart. If you can't spend a little of your time to wonder how I'm doing way over in another province, then maybe our friendship isn't mutual. It's okay, I know your life is busy. So is mine. That's why I'm not going to waste my time trying to get you to talk to me.
If you've gotten this far in the blog, then congratulations. This was a test to see if you had the patience as a friend to read all of this (it's a lot, I'm sorry). ...actually I'm joking, I just made that up. I guess it could work as a test though.
You now know who you are to me. Analyze your own actions, analyze what you've done in the past and how you yourself view me in terms of friendship. Saying something is far easier than doing it.
I know who my friends are. And even though I only have a few (Facebook does not count as a legitimate representation, for you smarties :P ), that's all you really need.
P.S. One of my friendships didn't take long to establish itself. It only took about a month, maybe less. It was (and still is) the first guy friendship I've ever had, and now I view him as my brother. Life surprises you sometimes, doesn't it?
6. A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.
A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.
A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.
A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.
A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.
A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower.
For the most part of my life I believed a friend was only half of what the above definition suggests. I thought a friend was someone who you hung out with after school, and who you talked with about boys. I thought a friend was someone who you could call to help out with homework, even though they were just about to eat dinner (okay I'm lying, I was the one who got called often).
When I transitioned into high school, I kept that notion of "friendship" with me, until grade 10. I can't even remember why, but I was really upset in that year. I remember my "friends" calling me "emo". I wouldn't be surprised if I was just known as the "emo girl" to a lot of my peers. I don't remember why I was always so depressed, why I had so many mood swings, but I remember all the ridiculous drama that happened that year.
For the first time ever, I was called "bitch" to my face (well not exactly, it was through chat). I always regarded that word as a horrible insult to girls (I reserve "bastard" for guys). So when a person I knew, who I called my "friend" said that to me, I felt crappy. And I learned that other "friends" of mine thought I was a bitch too, but they never had the courage to say it to my face.
That was when my own definition of the word "friend" started to change. It developed into something that most people would call a "close" or even "best" friend. I began analyzing the actions of my friends; the things they did for me, how we talked, what we talked about. Because friends are there for you even if they don't have a clue how to help you. And even if they can't help you (because that's just how messed up your situation is), they want to help you, so they listen. Having the patience and consideration to listen is something that I respect immensely.
Then grade 11 and grade 12 happened. Although I stopped being constantly upset, there was an issue that developed that was even more just...ridiculous. It's the best word I can come up with now. Maybe stupid fits better.
I'm not even sure what to call it. Harassment? Insults? Bullying? Just downright ugliness? Anyway, it was two years of arguing with my ex because he was being a jerk. He still is a jerk to me. I'm not going to go into the details of how we broke up, because although it might explain why he treated me as poorly as he did, it doesn't really. What happened between us was strangely mutual, so it came as a shock to me why he started to constantly insult me in front of our group of friends.
Nevertheless, this went on for two years, and I was sick of it. What really hurt was that nobody cared enough. These fights were going on right in front of our friends' faces and the only thing that came out of it was me being upset, and them continuing to talk to him as if he didn't just tell me to go to the music room and eat my lunch there because nobody likes me.
Everything he did was childish. And yet, there was a nagging thought in me that always wondered "why do people still talk to him?"
He never treated anyone else the way he treated me. Yes, I was special. I was so special that he felt it was right to insult me, put me down, joke about things that clearly hurt me. Our mutual friends still talked to him because it wasn't them he was harassing. It was me. And when it really comes down to it, if you don't care enough about someone when they're hurt, the only thing you feel when you see them being hurt, is relief. Relief that you're not the one being attacked.
I hated those two years of my life. Now that I think about it, I was a target for someone who hadn't quite matured yet and acted stupidly in order to amuse himself. I let myself be that target, and that may be the saddest fact of it all. However, the good thing that came out of it, the only reason why I should ever want to thank the jerk, is that through the two remaining years of my high school life, I learned who my true friends were.
That's not to say I don't give a crap about the people who I don't label as my friends. To me, they're acquaintances. We can talk and laugh about mundane and trivial things, but it doesn't mean much to me. I know that at the end of the day, they won't be thinking about me, nor I them.
Sharing a mutual bond with someone is hard to come by. A lot of friendships aren't balanced. People get hurt because one expects the same from the other, based on the assumption that they share a mutual feeling of friendship. Sometimes that bond takes a long time to develop. For most of my friendships now, it took 1-4 years to develop and to be strong enough that I could say "you are my friend".
I don't want to say I'm mature, because that'll give reason for people to expect me from now on to be "mature" in everything I do. But I can, and will, say that I'm mature enough to see who my true friends are.
You don't always have to be there for me. Sometimes you just can't be. But there's a difference between wanting to be there for me, and just not giving a crap. Friends stick together, even if they're 500 km apart. If you can't spend a little of your time to wonder how I'm doing way over in another province, then maybe our friendship isn't mutual. It's okay, I know your life is busy. So is mine. That's why I'm not going to waste my time trying to get you to talk to me.
If you've gotten this far in the blog, then congratulations. This was a test to see if you had the patience as a friend to read all of this (it's a lot, I'm sorry). ...actually I'm joking, I just made that up. I guess it could work as a test though.
You now know who you are to me. Analyze your own actions, analyze what you've done in the past and how you yourself view me in terms of friendship. Saying something is far easier than doing it.
I know who my friends are. And even though I only have a few (Facebook does not count as a legitimate representation, for you smarties :P ), that's all you really need.
P.S. One of my friendships didn't take long to establish itself. It only took about a month, maybe less. It was (and still is) the first guy friendship I've ever had, and now I view him as my brother. Life surprises you sometimes, doesn't it?
10.24.2010
10.20.2010
10.19.2010
10.13.2010
10.06.2010
you're just monochromatic
I got a Macbook Pro, 13" today. Oh yeah, and my friend wants me to update my blog with my life so I guess I'll do that.
University is just full of work. In high school you would never ask your friends every day, "hey, what are your plans for tonight?" expecting that they would answer with something along the lines of "studying" or "reading" or "writing a paper". But here, that's all you expect.
It's surprising when you don't have work. That happened to me last week. I watched TV shows one night because I had nothing to do. Yes, I did complete my homework. No, I did not practice because I'm a lazy music major.
Oh, and I actually got a drink from the Tim Hortons across the street today. A medium hot chocolate. Of course, being an inexperienced Tim Hortons customer I forgot that "medium" is really "small", and "large" is, well, "medium". I want another drink. If I'm not going to get addicted to coffee, then a hot chocolate is the next worst thing. :)
I also have a paranoia of not knowing what the weather is outside and being blasted by cold wind. I may be a winter baby, but I think I should have been born in the summer.
University is just full of work. In high school you would never ask your friends every day, "hey, what are your plans for tonight?" expecting that they would answer with something along the lines of "studying" or "reading" or "writing a paper". But here, that's all you expect.
It's surprising when you don't have work. That happened to me last week. I watched TV shows one night because I had nothing to do. Yes, I did complete my homework. No, I did not practice because I'm a lazy music major.
Oh, and I actually got a drink from the Tim Hortons across the street today. A medium hot chocolate. Of course, being an inexperienced Tim Hortons customer I forgot that "medium" is really "small", and "large" is, well, "medium". I want another drink. If I'm not going to get addicted to coffee, then a hot chocolate is the next worst thing. :)
I also have a paranoia of not knowing what the weather is outside and being blasted by cold wind. I may be a winter baby, but I think I should have been born in the summer.
 |
| Why can't I wear a hat like that and still look cute? :( |
10.05.2010
you are the only exception
Humans are such needy beings. I don't mean to say that negatively or positively, it's just something I believe. We are, aren't we? We need companionship, we need love, we need reassurance. And for those people who don't have companionship or who say they don't need it, then they need something to prove that they don't.
Does that mean we're insecure about ourselves? We desire proof. We desire something that can show us that we're okay in life, that our life is okay, that we'll be fine. We desire people to tell us it's okay, that our life is just as screwed up and crappy as everybody else's is; that's how we'll get by.
This post is dedicated to someone special. You know who you are.
I love you. You know that. Which is why even though you feel like the world is falling apart around you, why you're falling apart with it, always remember that I am here for you. I will always be here for you, to help you go through life even if it's shitty. Even if you feel shitty. But I want you to learn, grow, and love to take care of yourself without needing me. Please understand that. I can't always be here for you to lean on me; and when that happens, you'll have to keep yourself up with your own courage. I know you're strong, and weak, and everything else that a human could possibly be.
You're messed up, but so am I. We're humans, that's what we are. We'll always be needing, always wanting something to help us get by so we don't have to rely solely on ourselves.
I will always love you, even though I'm 500 km away. I will always keep you in my heart. Please don't let yourself cry anymore, because you're too amazing to deserve all this sadness.
P.S. Come back for Thanksgiving. I miss you.
Does that mean we're insecure about ourselves? We desire proof. We desire something that can show us that we're okay in life, that our life is okay, that we'll be fine. We desire people to tell us it's okay, that our life is just as screwed up and crappy as everybody else's is; that's how we'll get by.
This post is dedicated to someone special. You know who you are.
I love you. You know that. Which is why even though you feel like the world is falling apart around you, why you're falling apart with it, always remember that I am here for you. I will always be here for you, to help you go through life even if it's shitty. Even if you feel shitty. But I want you to learn, grow, and love to take care of yourself without needing me. Please understand that. I can't always be here for you to lean on me; and when that happens, you'll have to keep yourself up with your own courage. I know you're strong, and weak, and everything else that a human could possibly be.
You're messed up, but so am I. We're humans, that's what we are. We'll always be needing, always wanting something to help us get by so we don't have to rely solely on ourselves.
I will always love you, even though I'm 500 km away. I will always keep you in my heart. Please don't let yourself cry anymore, because you're too amazing to deserve all this sadness.
P.S. Come back for Thanksgiving. I miss you.
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